Do Rabbits Have Nipples?

Today I completed my last long ride before Aberfeldy and now I can officially say I’m tapering. I’m sure I’ll be going nuts by the weekend but I can honestly say I’ve never been happier to relax a bit and cut down on training.

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It’s been a stressful few weeks. And days. Last week, having owned an iPhone for over 6 years, dropped them countless times with no problems, I managed to smash my screen. It went in to get replaced and all was fine. Until Saturday morning, that is. Imagine my horror when mid bus journey to work, my phone screen filled with lines and went black. The music was playing, but no one was home.

Fuck. No. No it’s ok. I’m flying to London today and I have my personal laptop with me so I can just plug it in to iTunes when I get to work and restore it. *tries soft restart* *tries again* *tries hard restart* *tries recovery mode*

nothing. Not a thing.

Imagine my FURTHER horror when I eventually got to work, plugged it in and it recognised the device but I could not access it. Merde. Triple Merde. We were scheduled to leave for London at 2. How the merry fuck would I cope in LONDON without a phone? I wouldn’t. That’s how.

Very luckily, the shop had 1 single screen left. And replaced it. It’s a bit chipped but it works. Honestly, imagine not having a phone for 5 minutes. IMAGINE. I am surgically attached!!! I mean, what does anyone look at when they’re not in conversation with a real human? I dunno…

I flew home from London last night and today is my last day off before the weekend of Aberfeldy in 12 days time. Work is crazy right now, so I’m hoping it distracts me enough to allow me to enjoy tapering a bit more this time. Last time I tapered was for the Marathon and things are a big bit different these days.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the last year. I’m more resilient than I thought, infinitely more focused and I’m surprised at my ability to JFDI (Just Fucking Do It) when the going gets shit. I have also started to really enjoy my time spent training over distance. No phones. No one asking me questions. Just me, my thoughts and I.

And I’ve started to ask myself life’s difficult questions.

Am I really happy?

What do I want to achieve next?

What would happen if I swallowed a fly but it wasn’t dead? Would it lay eggs in my tummy?

Do rabbits have nipples?

Deep, right? Today, after I’d come out of Glenfarg for the first time (2 laps – one at high cadence, low resistance, second at 60rpm high gear) the biggest fucking spider I have ever seen ever ran across the road in front of me. Took me at least 10 miles to get over the experience if I’m honest.

Also, how bad is life that you’ve gone looking for a new car and decided on a Citroen Cactus? I mean really. These are probably the people who pass at steaks and genuinely prefer quorn. These are the things I think about. That, the fucking shocking state of the roads, and the fucking shocking driving that occurs.

I also have a much more colourful vocabulary that I ever thought! There is nothing like a road so riddled with pot holes that you may as well be on sodding cattle grids for the entire two mile stretch of teeth-shattering, soul-destroying juddering, to test your mettle. And your ability to create new swear-words at the drop of a hat. “Cocktwat” was today’s highlight. And “IF I LOSE A SHITFUCKING SPOKE I WILL SHOVE IT IN A ROAD-PLANNERS EYE”

And I’m usually ever so polite… (Sorry dad… )

Anyway. I digress. So now I sit and wait for Taper Madness to take hold. Typically, my tonsils have already shot to the size of tennis balls. I’m told this is normal. I shall continue to take every vitamin known to man anyway…

There shall be some easy swimming, easy jogging and easy biking over the next 10 days. And lots of working 😦

Having spent the last year saying “ach, it’s not till August. I’ve LOADS of time”. It’s now almost single figure days.

Aberfeldy is coming to get me. And, rather surprisingly, I’m READY.

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