All this down-time with my STUPID ITB Syndrome is allowing my brain to go into overdrive. So here’s yet another blog. Yay.
It is slowly dawning on me that, as I’ve grown up, my answers to choices have gone from “NOPE, I’m quite happy being average, thank you” to “Fuck it, yes. I wish to be fabulous”.
Why? Because every day teaches me that life is short, that’s why. I’m only here for a tiny tiny bit of time (y’know, in the grand scheme of things) and while I’m here, I want to do as much as possible. So, why wouldn’t I challenge myself, test my limits, improve my strength, stamina and self-belief, do things that make me really fucking happy?
Should that take balls? I dunno. I don’t *think* so though…. I am often described as confident, outgoing and gutsy. Truthfully, I’m horribly conflicted and believe me, I spend more time questioning my own decisions than anyone else does(I’m awfully good at making awfully bad decisions…)! Although I appear to have “confidence” in myself, in some respects I really properly DON’T. I think it’s quite common to think that if you lack this quality, you can’t DO things. Well. I think that’s bollocks. Everyone has the inner strength to do anything. It’s just a case of finding that strength and using it to Do The Things you want to do.
What even IS confidence anyway? The following sentence keeps going round in my head and I can’t work out if it makes sense or not… Confidence isn’t knowing it will all be ok, it’s knowing you’ll be fine if it’s not.
I am almost certain it makes sense. That’s definitely my take on it, anyway. Because in reality, you never know what is going to happen. But you can, at least, reassure yourself that if whatever it is goes tits up, you’ll pick yourself, brush yourself down and move on to the next questionable life choice…
I’ve had many a crisis of confidence. My previous two blogs about my current injured status have been ever-so-slightly self-deprecating. I have had moments where I think Triathlon is going to break me.
Or is it?
If this yesterday’s “recovery” Turbo Session is anything to go by (thirty minutes at moderate cadence) then yes, it may well break me.
At the risk of coming across as harsh, I’ve always struggled to understand people who don’t DO things. I don’t mean people who don’t do things because they don’t want to. I mean people who maybe-kind-of-think they want to do something but don’t think they can.
We all have our own battles inside our heads, which is why I desperately don’t want to be perceived as flippant here, (judgmental, I’ll accept. I’m horribly judgy) but I find it really sad when people miss out on things because they don’t believe they have what it takes to do it.
I’m not even talking about running or swimming or cycling anymore. I mean just EVERYTHING from deciding to take out a gym membership to telling that bloke you fancy that you, well, fancy him.
With the release of This Girl Can there has been a marked increase in chat about having the “confidence” to get off the sofa and out the door in your trainers. (I was hoping they’d release one saying Men Can too, but I suppose there’s more of a profitable market for encouraging us women folk to be hot AND ALSO healthy AND ALSO successful AND ALSO mums AND ALSO fit everything in AND ALSO make dinner, while it’s assumed, maybe, that men either can’t be arsed or are already so damn amazing that they don’t require clever marketing for encouragement… am I reading too much into this? Yeah…)
I didn’t want this to turn into yet another YAY YOU CAN DO IT blog about BELIEVING in yourself and GOING FOR IT and HAVING FAITH. It’s more a case of saying “fuck it” once in a while and doing what you want to be proud of yourself in your own mind. Yeah, ok, you might get injured or hurt or a criminal record (just kidding… please don’t use this as motivation for breaking any laws. DISCLAIMER: I am not telling you to say “fuck it, I’m well punching my stupid neighbour in the face”)…. OR you could find out that you can run really far, or swim really fast or that actually that bloke you fancied really fancied you back.
Take a punt. Take matters into your own hands. Do what makes you happy.