10 lies runners tell

As a runner, who was once a non-runner, I have first hand experience of this.

Take heed. And prepare yourselves.

1. I love it. It makes me feel alive.

This is a lie. It’s horrible. The first 100 metres are amazing and invigorating. Then you realise it’s -2, your lungs are burning and you have a wedgie.

2. Running makes me WANT to eat clean.

Also a lie. Running makes you want cake. All. The. Cake. But you CAN’T HAVE THE CAKE because “proper runners” will judge you.

Just stick with that delicious kale.

3. But Kale leaves mixed with mashed cashews is JUST the same as peanut butter on toast.

You guessed it. This is a Lie. Whoever decided this needs to be beaten up. With loaves of squishy white bread.

4. After a run, I feel like I could conquer the world.

This is what those pesky endorphins make you believe. But don’t be fooled, after a stretch (oh god definitely stretch) you will be glued to the sofa. Because your muscles will not allow you to get up.

5. It gets easier once you find your rhythm.

Not true. It might feel like it’s getting easier. But then it will start raining. Or someone’s Demon dog will chase you. Or you’ll start running into a bitter head wind. Or a group of children will call you “Thunder Thighs”. Or you’ll be overtaken by someone thinner and faster. Or you’ll not see a puddle and get a wet sock.

You get my point.

6. It’s worth it to fit into skinny jeans.

TRUE! At last. Very vain, yes. But my word is it nice to have a thigh gap once more and for people to call you toned and for your boyfriend to comment on how strong your muscles are getting. That makes up for everything.

7. Running in the rain is SO invigorating.

No it isn’t. It’s cold. And wet. And your leggings really start to chafe. And your top sticks to you. And your padded sports bra can no longer disguise how cold you are. And your hair looks even more shit.

8. I love running in the sun.

Just like the rain, this sucks. It’s too hot. You go purple. Your feet sweat. Your ass sweats. You are basically a floppy, sweaty mess. On the plus side the sun is so bright that you cannot see and therefore you can’t tell how shit you look.

Basically running in any weather sucks.

9. Running on a treadmill is so easy it’s practically therapeutic.

No it’s not. You can watch telly on a treadmill. You just ran an extra mile because you were so glued to Come Dine With Me.

10. Running is so relaxing. I just zone out.

Lie. You think about everything. Especially how much it sucks to run in the rain/wind/sun. Why is my ankle sore? What was that cracking noise? My calves are on fire. Oh god you can see my thighs wobbling in these shorts. Yep all those cars passing me can see it too. They’re all looking at my wobbly thighs. Holy crap my top is stuck to my tummy and that is wobbling too.

See? It’s shit.

But you know something? If you can put up with ALL of the above? Don’t let ANYONE call you a “non-runner” My wonderful pal Jeananne once told me “if you run, you’re a runner” and she was right.

seriously though, be prepared for it to suck 80% of the time.

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